I am in this strange place of feeling like I’m in between two worlds – having one foot inside one world and the other foot inside another world, watching both worlds at the same time. I know this may sound weird, but bear with me……what will show up will be fascinating and transformational.
In one world, I am looking at my 10 yr old son, who is crying and yelling at me : “You always blame me for every thing! You never do any thing wrong! It always has to go your way!”. Then, I am watching myself frustrated, responding to him abruptly, yelling back at him : “That is so not true! Most things actually go your way! You just doesn’t realize it! You are not grateful for what you get, and that is soooo not ok! “. He then proceeds to run into his room and slam the door. I am left angry and frustrated with a desire to run after him and strangle him.
In another world, I am looking at my 10 yr old son, who is crying and yelling at me : “You always blame me for every thing! You never do any thing wrong! It always has to go your way!” Then, I am watching myself, taking a deep breath, looking at him with the eyes of a child, asking him : “How am I blaming you? I don’t know how I did that. Can you tell me ?” He immediately calms down and says “I am not sure.” I start tossing out ideas : “Was it my tone? Was it the words I said?” He says :”I think it’s your tone… it makes me feel small…” . I take another deep breath and feel into what he just said. I pause. All of a sudden, I get this surge of emotions & feelings of sadness. I start crying, and the tears don’t seem to end….I realize that that is how I felt as a child – always being blamed and shamed for something that I never even realized I did. At this point, my son comes near me and says : “Why are you crying ?”. I say : “I am so sorry Johannes…., I just realized that how you are feeling now is how I felt as a child when my dad spoke to me…. and that somehow I speaking to you in the same way.” He says : “It’s ok mama.” I say : “It’s not ok honey. It’s not ok for anyone to talk to you this way – including mommy”. I look into his eyes and say “I don’t want you to feel blamed and shamed for stuff that is not even yours – for stuff you didn’t even do. Somehow I automatically presume that you are going to do something wrong and when something shows up, I am already blaming you without even talking to you. I am so sorry. As of right now, I am committed to not blaming or shaming you for anything. I promise you that I will go inward and transform whatever is causing this, so that it doesn’t get in the way of me seeing who you really are.” He says : “Ok”. I say : “Can you forgive me?” He says : “Yes.” I say : “Ok. I forgive my self too”. “Can I give you a hug and start over again?”. He says : “Ok”. We hug and recreate the conversation from a place of awareness and presence, while I pay special attention to what is happening inside of me – my feelings, my thoughts, my tone, my voice…
So what did I just experience? What is this all about? Well, I’ll do my best to describe what is.
The first world showed the way I have been reacting to my son’s behavior. It showed up in my mind as a well used, familiar road – one that I have taken before many times and was sure of where it was going to lead me. The second world showed a different possibility -one that I had not yet taken. It showed up in my mind as a new, unfamiliar road – one that I was curious about taking and yet unsure of where it was going to lead me. They both showed up almost at the same time, one right after the other, with a slight pause in between. This pause was like the space in a fork where two roads meet and where I can see where the two roads lead.
Although the situation was happening extremely fast in real time, the pause was big enough to slow down my reactions, so that I could choose which world I wanted to be in. So I chose the alternative possibility – an unknown… a road not traveled – which opened up a space within me to perceive a new vision of what is possible and who I am being in that possibility.
This is the experience of a paradigm shift – a shift in perception of how you see the world and how you be with others, when you are willing to be led thru an unknown road. This shift is experienced within mind and body, and it is transformational. It will transform your relationships, circumstances, and life overall. It will leave you empowered, embodied, and enlightened, to make the choices that will create the life you really desire.
Since then, I have unveiled more of this blaming behavior, and it’s become very clear that it shows up when I’ve lost my grounding, I’m feeling out of control, and I’m scared of being rejected.
Now, I see the pattern – the thoughts, the voices, and the shape in my body that supports this blaming reaction. I can catch it early enough and shift it – choose to step into a different possibility, so that I can create a different outcome – a loving relationship with my son. Now, I don’t feel powerless, angry or defensive. I feel grounded to the earth, rooted in my body, and connected to my Spirit. Now I feel a freedom within my self from a bondage I never even knew I had. Thank you Spirit for showing me this possibility. I have eternal gratitude.
If you are interested in experiencing this paradigm shift in your own life, contact me directly to discuss your specific situation and find out how this psychosomatic work can help you.