I woke up feeling sad about my son and the evening we had last night. We both went to sleep upset without talking to each other. I felt like he disrespected me by cutting me off, yelling at me, and slamming the doors. He seemed angry and confused, and I couldn’t understand why. I was totally disappointed at him for ruining our evening. I just wanted him to take responsibility for leaving the lights on and his coat out, and he deflected the whole issue by saying that I was blaming him for things he didn’t do. I was trying to be patient by keeping my cool and letting him know that it had nothing to do with blaming him but with him owning what he didn’t do. It didn’t work. The more I tried to explain, the sassier he got, until I sent him to his room. However, the sassiness didn’t stop there. No000. He just kept screaming behind the closed door, until I told him to zip it, otherwise he would have his play date taken away. This situation was out of control.
Yet when I chose to step away into my sunroom, I paused. I became in touch with what is sacred, what is real …. and then I smiled. I realized that what is real-ly sacred is not my feelings. My feelings are part of the drama. What is really sacred is life…. the bare trees, the brown leaves, the spare grass, the blue sky…. all that is around me. It is then that I realized that I get to describe what I see from where I stand, and that things can be described in very different ways…., depending on where I stand.
If I stand where I see life being sacred, beautiful, fun, loving and peaceful, then that is where I choose to see things from. However, if I stand where I see life being hard, sad, a fight, a struggle, right, wrong…, then that is where I choose to see things from. This is not the way it is. This is just the point of view I choose to see. This is not right nor wrong. This is the paradigm I adopted early on from my childhood models. This is the thread of my humanity. This is what makes me human.
Yet, it is by continuously embracing my humanity, that I am more in touch with my own divinity – what makes me real. With this awareness, I now open the possibility for me to choose to transform my paradigm of seeing things at any moment in time – for that I am extremely grateful. Thank you Divine Spirit of mine ;)))
From this place of being grateful and connected to what is real, I chose to walk into my son’s room. He was awake and I asked him if we could chat. He said yes. I said that I was so sorry for yelling at him last night and that I was sorry he felt blamed – that was not my intention. I explained that I had gotten upset and frustrated because he had forgotten to pick up his coat and shut the lights off. However, instead of pausing and feeling what I was real-ly upset about, I projected my anger towards him, and for that I was really sorry. I guessed that the impact of my behavior on him was that he felt hurt, diminished, scared and possibly even terrified and ashamed. I asked him if he disagreed or if there was anything else he wanted to add, and he said no. I said that I was committed to speaking to him from a place of the heart, where I real-ly see him. When I’m not in that place, I commit to taking a pause and even stepping away if necessary before I speak to him. I asked him if he can forgive me…. and he said yes and gave me a big hug. I asked him if there was anything he’d like to say. He said he was sorry for yelling back and being sassy. He felt hurt, scared and did not know what else to do. Then he felt blamed and angry and then wanted to hurt back. At that point I hugged him some more and said I’m sorry. We hugged for a little while. My heart was full 🙂